You Are Literally Right.

I am seriously the world's worst match maker. The problems is, I always see it AFTER the horrible date I have set these innocent friends of mine up on. Therefore, like stirrup pants, I gave up matchmaking years ago. 


But when you have different friend groups, like we all do, it is kind of like matchmaking. This kind of hit me recently when I was at a playdate at a friends house that she had invited another of her friends and her kids to attend. This was one of those times where my complete inattention detail paid off, because I had no expectations for the playdate other than to have fun. 


When we got in, there was the normal chaos that comes with kids and introductions. That part is tough for me because there is so much going on, I sometimes miss crucial parts. Like names. So I have to really laser focus on those first crucial moments. I either look really interested or like I am passing a kidney stone. Without seeing footage, it is probably the latter. 


After the kids got settled, the moms retired to the kitchen for some snacks and chatter of our own. Let's call the mom I previously knew Rose and the new mom Dorothy. I kept saying her name over and over in my head like some sort of mental patient. Rose and Dorothy had gone to college together and then worked together before "retiring" after their kids were born. We are all about the same age, as are our kids. We begin with the usual small talk; the inhumanity of household duties, why doesn't 20lbs fall off in your sleep, apartheid, Tripoli. I begin to notice a pattern with Dorothy. 


She thinks I am an idiot. 


Okay, that is maybe too literal. But, every time I concur with her thought or inquire more about her feelings on a subject, her response is "Oh, you have no idea" or "Oh my God, you don't even know." 


Technically, you are right. Hence the questions. 


For example: Talk turned to schools. We began talking about a local school that has gotten some bad press lately. I mentioned that I had a friend who had looked at the school and felt it was a little overcrowded. Dorothy's response "Oh, you don't even know." Right. Cause notice I didn't say that I had looked at the school. Just my friend. I am merely providing a relational point. I am not saying that I know, or implying that I am in some way an expert on the subject in which we are discussing. Just makin' conversation, bitch. 


It was exhausting. Once I noticed it, I couldn't stop noticing it. It was her response to everything. And what if I did, actually know something. What if Rose had been like "So, isn't it crazy that some people think that the Kennedy family is cursed?" Here chimes in Dorothy with her "Oh my God, you don't even know." Ready for the punch, cause here it comes. "Actually, Dorothy, I do. I read a fascinating book called The Kennedy Curse a couple of years ago that explored that exact notion. It seems that the idea is rooted in the hypothesis that the patriarch, Joe, was so calculated and devious that he somehow "sold his soul to the devil" for the success of his children because he would burn any bridge, spin any yarn, promote any act, no matter how salacious for the advancement of the family. Ironically, his wife Rose was so pious, that even she could not make-up for his misgivings." Boom!  I do know.


I didn't want to say anything else, but I didn't want to seem unkind or disrespectful to Rose. Frankly, Rose seemed a little put out with her too. I began to phrase things in a way to to thwart her; "I am no expert, but blah blah blah."  It stumped her. For a little while...


Dorothy had to leave early. She gathered her kids and thanked Rose for having her. She told me it was great to meet me and that she hoped we could do it again soon. I told her, "I know. You have no idea how much fun I have had!" She looked at me for a minute and I thought maybe she was on to my game. Then, I realized that I had spoken her language.  


Rose explained that she had realized it was a bad idea immediately after she had invited her. I started to feel bad, but she went on to explain that it was because she forgot that Dorothy is not always a crowd pleaser. She practically apologized all over herself. I explained that I wasn't good at matchmaking either and that it was okay. Like dating, at least I had gotten a free meal. 


This is what I hope you imagine Dorothy looks like. 

Photo: Pinterest