Don't Be Retarded At the Party...

If only it were this easy;

Photo: Pinterest

And maybe for some, it is. Not this kid. 

Recently, we were going to a party where I am typically the least accomplished person there. I am not super close with a lot of these people, so when they ask me what I do, I would love to say, "Well, I stay at home to raise our daughter who is currently in a toddler MENSA program. I also write 2 wildly successful blogs. You don't read them? Well, you must not have access to the Hearst media family app on your ipad and iphone."  Instead, it goes more like this, "I stay home. Which is awesome. I love it. No, really. I mean, I am not saying that emphatically to prove anything. I really love it. My daughter is funnier than most adults I know. Plus, I get to wear yoga pants most days. Oh, and I did just download some Introduction to French podcasts, so that is what we are going to be doing. What was the question? Oh, the bathroom. I think it is over there. I don't live here."  

I think the word you are looking for is composed. 

So, prior to my most recent public humiliation, I had seen one of the regular attendees in the society paper at a children's charity event hosted by the Junior League. Oddly specific, yes. Because I committed it to memory so I would have something to talk to her about when I saw her.  Like "Oh, I recently saw you attended blah blah blah.... how great of you to lend your time to such a worthy cause." 

Locked and loaded. 

Cut to our interaction. Let's call her Kathy. Kathy and I find ourselves waiting at the bar for a drink where we say hello and make the usual pleasantries. As if pulling out a gun to shoot up the place, I reach into my back pocket and play the "saw you in the society paper" card. And it sounded like this:

"I saw you about 3-months-ago in the society paper at the X children's charity event with the so and so's. Your black dress was so cute! I also saw an ad on that page for Cartwheels. I haven't been there lately and I think I just missed their big sale."

SHUT UP DUMMY. Easy freak show. It was SO much detail, stupidity and so unnecessary. Again, I see this girl 3x a year at best. So, for me to remember that much detail from a single picture that at this point has run about 3-months-ago is insane.  But why not over share?  Why not be awkward? Why not have to recover from that? Why not tell her I work for the FBI because of my incredible memory skills? Could that get me out of this?

Ugh. WHY!!!!  Just why. I don't remember always being this way. I think that as I have gotten older and had to twist and turn in new circles, sometimes I just panic and say anything. I realize that I didn't tell her she looked fat in the dress or accuse her of being a communist for caring about ill children, but there is an element of weird in the amount of detail I recalled and then shared. Probably the kind of detail that they find in the journals of serial killers. 

I tried to play off the fact that I am a complete idiot savant by making a Rain Man joke and then excused myself. My recovery is usually okay, but it is just that initial bomb that is so awful. 

Until I can get this under control, I am going to print these cards and pass them out. Like people who have Chron's disease or are allergic to bee stings. 

Photo:Pinterest

Since I continue to make society an awkward place, I need to make it a better place. Our church is partnering with Blessings in a Backpack to provide food  for students who might not otherwise have meals on the weekends. For $80, you can feed a child on the weekends for an entire year. If you are interested, you can visit ccum.net to find out more, or I would be glad to pick-up your check/cash and deliver it to the church. I can't promise it won't be done awkwardly, but apparently, that's all I know.