Her, Really?

Since starting and then "coming out" with these blogs like some sort of writing gay, I have gotten a lot of comments about my writing. A lot. 


First let me say, 99.5% of it has been extremely complimentary. "You write like you talk!" or "I feel like I am right there listening to you" and "This will serve as great documentation to have you committed!" The best, is when people compare my humor. Honestly, the insecure part of me really loves this. It is always a lesson in psychiatry to see how others view you.


The two comparisons I get most are Tina Fey and Chelsea Handler. Two comparisons I could not be more thrilled with. That is like saying "You are smart like Albert Einstein and Thomas Jefferson" or "You are pretty like  Giselle and Pippa Middleton" or "You are going to live a life like John's Candy and Belushi."  It is very flattering. I am big fans of both of their works. Chelsea is on a little late for me. Who can stay up past 10 for crying out loud? Who am I, a Lohan?


So, the other day, I had a "friend," let's call her former friend Kimmie Gibbler, email me and tell me that my blogs were 'hilarious' and 'well-written' and that I reminded her of.... wait for it.... a local radio personality here in town let's call Shelly B. (I am NOT trying to get sued.)


WHAT??? 


This is kind of thinking that says things like:
 "You are as funny as Urkel." Or "You know who was a great President? Jimmy Carter."  It is the equivalent of thinking Mr. Belding was the funniest character on Saved By the Bell.  


Therefore, her email might as well have  said:


"Dear Katie- I read your blogs. I found them to be mediocre.  Your writing is nowhere near MLA format compliant, you lack thought development, you open strong and close weak, your use of profanity suggests you are intellectually inferior and your humor is not overly accepted by all to be, well, let's say "funny." I found you to be quite a dullard. I suggest you make a better use of your time and enroll in some creative writing classes post haste and develop your skills before you continue to sully the Internet with the brand of thoughtless prose. I do not find you to be funny, but rather crass, distasteful and meaningless. Perhaps you should review a real comedianne, like one Ms. Fran Drescher. Fondly, Kimmie Gibbler."


Shelly B is on in the mornings and I cannot listen to her. Mainly, because I have a brain and also, because the doctors said that is the best way to keep my ears from bleeding. Her voice sounds like what I imagine it does if you put baby squirrels in the blender. She also has a gig hocking everything in town, so I get to see her on the TV from time to time.  


She says things like "Oh no she didn't" and "You go girl" both in and out of accent. And it doesn't stop there. It is EVERY catchphrase imaginable. She is the kind of person who can wax philosophical about Jersey Shore and The Bachelor like these are real people and these are real goings on about life.  She is LOUD and squeals for no reason. 


So much of her "comedy" is the garden variety obvious joke; dumb blond, small penis, is he/isn't he?,  low hanging fruit (to which she would reply "Oh no she didn't!!)  Which it has to be to be on radio.  I get that is her "schtick," but it is the most annoying thing I have ever heard. How do I know all this, you ask? Because I, apparently, only patron establishments where this drivel is on. For instance most recently, the dentist. For 2 hours. I am honestly not sure which was worse. 


So when Kimmie Gibbler came up with Shelly B as who I reminded her of, it really burned me up. Actually, it hurt my ego and my feelings. Of course I thanked her for reading and went about my day, but I could not stop thinking about it. I have no idea where she got it. Is that what she thinks is funny? Is that just her point of reference? Maybe I took for granted that most people who read my blogs have similar senses of humor to me. Therefore, I assumed everyone "got" what I was talking about. I am not sure. But that one, I really took that one hard. I was kind of depressed about it. It was a 2-glass of wine kind of night. 


Then, in a moment of clarity (probably between pouring the 1st and 2nd glasses), I remembered that trick where you write a letter to the person who hath wronged you and state your grievances. You don't ever send the letter, but it is cardiac to write it. Cathartic. Catholic. Catatonic?


In my mind, I wrote Kimmie Gibbler back an email:


"Dear Kimmie- Thank you for your interest in my blogs. Unfortunately, at this time, we are only accepting readers with an actual sense of humor. From your reference to Shelly B, it is clear that you are not someone who can sense humor, nor am I certain that you are fit to live an independent adult lifestyle. While I admire your desire for wit and the sarcastic arts, sadly, it is not for all. It requires strength, quick mental aptitude, some physical prowess, and an overall personality sharpness that I feel you lack. If you would like to continue training, I would encourage you to do so. You might start by making application for ANY position the Sedaris family would offer you in the form of a non-paid internship. If that does not manifest, you might quarantine yourself to the confines of your home and study hours of the outrageously defunct series Arrested Development. I cannot promise you this will work, but it might. Additionally, get an iPod/Phone so that you are not subjected to the mediocrity of terrestrial radio, Shelly B, and that infernal cackling each morning. Deep condition your hair each Sunday night and stop wearing so much make-up. You look hourly. Satirically, Katie"


Her? Really? Come on. That is like saying " I thought Hilter was a good leader." Idiot. 

Photo: Pinterest (Duh)