Helicopter Hunk

Photo: Popsugar

Guess who is single again?!?!!?


And going to ARIZONA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


That's right! He will be training something something helicopter blah blah in the desert/dessert. (I gotta figure that one out before we get there.) 


Let me be clear; Harry is merely a vessel. I am only using him to get to the Duchess. I mean, if I have to go to dinner with the guy, have a few drinks, chat him up with my knowledge of all things English, throw around a few Union Jack jokes, so be it. I mean, I am practically old enough to be his older sister. 


While I was gone, I DVR'd (is that really a verb?) "Wild About Pippa" on TLC. Before that, I noticed that there was a "Crazy About Harry," so I just threw that in for posterity.  When I got home, I had plenty to watch while I was unpacking. Not that I texted home to make sure it was recording. Or that it was the first thing I did when Sweet B went down for her nap on Saturday. 


I would venture to say, he and Pippa both have the better gig. All the fun and none of the pressure. 


I would like to think that if I meet him, I would quickly befriend him. I would also like to think that there is even a single possible scenario where I would meet him that involved me looking  and acting like a human. I would also like to imagine that every female at ASU is excommunicated from the state until further notice. I am certain the proximity to Los Angeles will bode in my favor as well. 


God save the Queen!

Oh the Places You'll Go... If You Can Get There.

Photo: Pinterest

Clearly Dr. Seuss never never a directional problem. I, on the other hand, need a compass and a pirate map to get wherever I am going. 


As I mentioned, part of my trip to NYC meant that I was going to have some "downtime" which I was SUPER excited about. However, sometimes having too many options can be your own worst enemy. If you ever watched Perfect Couples on NBC, you are probably laughing through your tears right now. If you didn't watch it, you have no idea what I am talking about. And that is okay. Keep your map and your canteen close; the trip is long, but there is a point at the end. 


There I am in NYC on what was a picture perfect Wednesday morning. It was a crisp 72 degrees according to Good Day New York (look at me, watching a local/national show).  I had my perfect sundress and cardigan on, my hair had a little extra bounce and I was wearing my Rainbows. I had super cute flats in my bag, but let's be serious, my dogs were barking. The plan was as follows: coffee, water, Zara. Maybe Anthropologie and Bed Bath and Beyond if I had time. 


After paying $11 for a Kashi bar, coffee and a Smartwater (which seemed ironic), I hit the streets. Ah, I was so Carrie Bradshaw, it was sick. I had 2 people ask me for directions. Directions! Clearly, I looked local. I was enjoying the day, the breeze, the city! I felt so alive! 


Then, I felt lost. And not in a soul searching way. Like in a "this isn't the way to Zara kind of way."  So, I pulled out the iPhone. I was headed to anything BUT Zara. Oh, and I spilled my coffee all down my dress. 


Not to be frazzled, I mopped up the coffee with the cardigan, configured the directions on my iPhone and regrouped. I got it together and Zara got paid. 


The best part of the whole morning was, I got to be with me. Just me. 


I get plenty of alone time at home. JD is very good to take Sweet B "off my hands" when he gets home. Not because I ask him to, but really, because he wants his own time with her. (And because he knows I am an actual monster if my Jeopardy gets interrupted.)  But most times, that alone time is spent thinking about what else has to be done, or what I should be doing instead of indulging in a little free time. 


When Sweet B is in school, I make sure to schedule everything during those hours so that she isn't subjected to the mundane tasks of Krogering with me.  I anticipate a letter of thanks from the Kroger Corporation this year. In addition, I try to schedule all those 'We should meet for coffee' times then. That way, I can ensure I am giving full attention without being like "Isn't she so cute? I bet you have never heard anyone scream so loud, have you?"  When adult playdates are at night, that takes away from my time with JD.  Weekends are important for all of us to be together as a family; especially if he has been on the road. 


ALL of those things are important. But at the risk of sounding selfish, there is little time for a Katie decompression. That is ironic, because 21-year-old Katie could not WAIT to stop being alone with Katie. That staring contest had to get called. 


I love my husband, I love my daughter. Those things go without saying. This is not a cry for help. But, as a wife and mother, my identity has definitely gotten lost. And while I am worried about sounding selfish, whenever I have free time, I am either doing things for our family or worried about getting back in a timely fashion. 


My Mom used to tell me "If you're bored, then you're boring." When I was younger, it drove me CRAZY. Mainly, because it was usually on a rainy day and it was code for "clean your room." As part of my maturation process, I have seen the wisdom in that phrase. If you can't enjoy your own company, then you are probably the problem. 


So, while directions are not my forte, the map of me is still the same. And on that day, just for me, I really enjoyed the trip. 


Lewis and Clark, no.  Still kind of fun, yes. But Harry believes in me and sometimes, that is all that matters.

Photo; Pinterest

Thanks, Love.

Don't Be Retarded At the Party...

If only it were this easy;

Photo: Pinterest

And maybe for some, it is. Not this kid. 

Recently, we were going to a party where I am typically the least accomplished person there. I am not super close with a lot of these people, so when they ask me what I do, I would love to say, "Well, I stay at home to raise our daughter who is currently in a toddler MENSA program. I also write 2 wildly successful blogs. You don't read them? Well, you must not have access to the Hearst media family app on your ipad and iphone."  Instead, it goes more like this, "I stay home. Which is awesome. I love it. No, really. I mean, I am not saying that emphatically to prove anything. I really love it. My daughter is funnier than most adults I know. Plus, I get to wear yoga pants most days. Oh, and I did just download some Introduction to French podcasts, so that is what we are going to be doing. What was the question? Oh, the bathroom. I think it is over there. I don't live here."  

I think the word you are looking for is composed. 

So, prior to my most recent public humiliation, I had seen one of the regular attendees in the society paper at a children's charity event hosted by the Junior League. Oddly specific, yes. Because I committed it to memory so I would have something to talk to her about when I saw her.  Like "Oh, I recently saw you attended blah blah blah.... how great of you to lend your time to such a worthy cause." 

Locked and loaded. 

Cut to our interaction. Let's call her Kathy. Kathy and I find ourselves waiting at the bar for a drink where we say hello and make the usual pleasantries. As if pulling out a gun to shoot up the place, I reach into my back pocket and play the "saw you in the society paper" card. And it sounded like this:

"I saw you about 3-months-ago in the society paper at the X children's charity event with the so and so's. Your black dress was so cute! I also saw an ad on that page for Cartwheels. I haven't been there lately and I think I just missed their big sale."

SHUT UP DUMMY. Easy freak show. It was SO much detail, stupidity and so unnecessary. Again, I see this girl 3x a year at best. So, for me to remember that much detail from a single picture that at this point has run about 3-months-ago is insane.  But why not over share?  Why not be awkward? Why not have to recover from that? Why not tell her I work for the FBI because of my incredible memory skills? Could that get me out of this?

Ugh. WHY!!!!  Just why. I don't remember always being this way. I think that as I have gotten older and had to twist and turn in new circles, sometimes I just panic and say anything. I realize that I didn't tell her she looked fat in the dress or accuse her of being a communist for caring about ill children, but there is an element of weird in the amount of detail I recalled and then shared. Probably the kind of detail that they find in the journals of serial killers. 

I tried to play off the fact that I am a complete idiot savant by making a Rain Man joke and then excused myself. My recovery is usually okay, but it is just that initial bomb that is so awful. 

Until I can get this under control, I am going to print these cards and pass them out. Like people who have Chron's disease or are allergic to bee stings. 

Photo:Pinterest

Since I continue to make society an awkward place, I need to make it a better place. Our church is partnering with Blessings in a Backpack to provide food  for students who might not otherwise have meals on the weekends. For $80, you can feed a child on the weekends for an entire year. If you are interested, you can visit ccum.net to find out more, or I would be glad to pick-up your check/cash and deliver it to the church. I can't promise it won't be done awkwardly, but apparently, that's all I know. 

You're Fired

Are you looking to kill an afternoon or get fired from your job? 


Then try this. 

pinterest.com

I refuse to take up any more of your time so that you can get straight to pinning. 


But you should know, the Sanderson Resort and Spa is not currently hiring. 

Stop Ness Monster

This is terrible. 


I don't like this, and I don't  totally know why. 

Photo: Daily Mail

Isn't this just a step away from a Nessy confirmation? This is actually Oliver Voss's floating sculpture which is designed to look like a woman bathing in the picturesque Alster Lake. It will be there for 10-days. Which is about 9 too long if you ask me. 

The three-piece work of art, which is 13ft high and 98ft long, will be turning heads for the next ten days - with many visitors boarding rowing boats to get a closer look. 

Photo: Daily Mail

Voss, head of the advertising academy Miami Ad School, said he wanted the aquatic sculpture, called The Bather, (clever, did you say he was the "head" of the advertising academy?) to be 'a topic of conversation in Germany'.

Photo: Daily Mail

But his creation has also caused controversy, with district mayor Markus Schreiber telling de Bild newspaper that it was 'sullying the beloved lake'.

Photo: Daily Mail

Really, Germany? Lady in a lake has sullied you? No, I agree that this is weird as hell, but this is where you claim "Achtung!" 

Let's make a deal. And let's head to Geneva to make it legit:

1. You remove that crazy lady monstrosity from that lake. 

2. You quit saying that crazy lady is what makes Germany weird.

3. Send me a custom Mercedes. 

4. I will quit saying mean things about Germany. 

5. Make Heidi Klum your Goodwill Ambassador. 

Auf Wiedersehen,

The World

Where are The Bangles When You Need Them?

They could sing that "Hazy Shade of Winter" song or maybe "Eternal Flame?"


One of the people I care about most in the entire world is going through one of the most horrible seasons of life right now. And at a really crucial time. Try as I might, my incessant chatter is only making things worse. All the cute texts of Sweet B doing toddler things is wearing thin. 


Because of my un-diagnosed Aspergers Syndrome, I continue to offer these words, genuinelly:


I'm sorry. 
I wish I could take the pain away. 
I would trade you places if I could. 
It's okay to cry. 
I wish you would cry. 
If I cry, would you? 
I hate you and you are a bad friend. You look stupid in that top. 
Does that make you want to cry?
Fine. Don't cry. Crying is for evolved people. I thought you were. 
DAMNIT. CRY!!!!!!! You will feel better. 
Wanna get drunk? I kind of do. A nice day drunk? Maybe a tank top.cut-off kind of day drunk?
No? 
Fine. 
I'm here. 
And I can be there in 5-hours flat. Sans toddler. With provisions.......
You know what that means.... Buffalo chicken dip with extra ranch!


I love you. I pray every night that God takes your pain away and helps you understand his plan. Don't lose faith. I didn't. And he gave me the best thing(s) that have ever happened to me out of the worst thing that has ever happened to the person I love most. I don't get it either, but we don't have to. We just have to believe. 

Photo: Cleverhandpress

I'll Give You Something To Cry About

If I have to hear that Jennifer Hudson Weight Watchers song one more time, I cannot be responsible for my actions.


Add to that the shrinking Duchess Middleton and the fact that every single time I check Facebook it is like looking at a login in sheet at the gym,  ("Headed to the gym", "Just got back from the gym", "Ran 200 miles at Cherokee today wearing my duvet cover for extra resistance") and it is a little excessive.

Now, anyone with two eyes can see that I am in the shape of my life. I think any doctor would tell you that I am probably the model of physical fitness and health. If your model is Roseann circa 1991. 

Photo: ABC

And until shopping becomes exercise or you can lose weight from a pill, this is how it shall be. Ooh, or wish yourself thin. Because then, a Middleton I shall be. 


But in the 5-minutes it has taken me to write this, find the picture of Roseanne and insert the photo credits so I don't get sued and have to go to jail, I have heard 2 segments about weight loss on the Today Show. It is going to be a STELLAR Monday for insecurities. I should definitely put on a swimsuit today. 


All the more reason to keep my focus for the accolade I had intended with this post....


About 3-weeks-ago, I was with one of the sweetest Gals/Moms I know. She went to high school with JD and I met her through him, but have had many a chance to hang out with her group of girlfriends. While I don't thinks she would mind her name being used, let's call her "G." 


G just had her 2nd baby who is not only a little cherub, but pretty much as perfect as her first baby. Apparently, she has perfect babies. In the blazing heat of a Catholic picnic, she looked radiant. And it wasn't just the glisten of 1billion percent humidity. She was glowing with elation. 


The more we caught up, the more guilty I felt. Why, you ask?  Two fold: 1. I have been SO consumed with my own moving drama that I completely neglected to acknowledge/be a good friend about this kid. 2. I was probably already bitching about how fat I was at this point after Sweet B was born. Actually, I think that very night, 3-months-ago, I was still bitching about baby weight almost 2-years later. Making it all about me. (Are we ever really not talking about me?)


The next day, I sent her a text (as to avoid the phone completely) telling G how much fun we had and telling her how great she looked and what a great job I thought she was doing as a Mommy. I wanted her to know I was serious, so I used all caps at least twice and several exclamation points. 


What I got back, shocked me. 


She admitted she didn't love how she looked. She said that she had several pounds that she wanted gone, but that she realized that her priorities were changing. She said she wanted to be healthy, but her goal to be as skinny as she was in college was not realistic anymore. Then the gut punch: She said that every time she looked at her baby, she realized that he was worth every single pound, and that she would get those pounds off, but not at the expense of time with him. 


I put my phone down and cried. I didn't even know what to respond. Clearly, she is a superior thinker to me. She is obviously more evolved than I. Wow. OMG, did I text her back?


What a breath of fresh air. What an unselfish Mom. What an unselfish human being. 


I would love to say " I wish I could have been more like that..." Well, actually, I do wish I could have been more like that. But I looked like the Mom from What's Eating Gilbert Grape? So, it wasn't a healthy lifestyle for me or Sweet B. 

Photo: IMDB

Time was a factor...But, I wish I hadn't been so consumed with being emaciated or having people be like "YOU just had a baby? You are so thin!" 


I want to say that I am evolved enough to say that I would rather be comfortable in my skin and healthy. Then, my desire of all desires would e to have people gush over my accomplishments with Sweet B. Because that is how it should be. My smart, well-mannered, well-behaved, polite, well-rounded, Christian, compassionate child should be the reflection of all my hard work. Not 6-pack abs or definitive triceps. 


Maybe I could do it all. But I have 2 blogs and a lot of reality tv to watch. 


I need more people like G in my life. And more people need to take a note from G.