Sticks and Stones

I really got my feelings hurt this weekend. 


Worse than that, I have been mad at myself for letting it bother me. And I know, sticks and stones, but sometimes, you have a few scrapes and bruises for the wear.


Without getting into too many specifics, it happened in a social setting and alcohol was involved. That is basically my "bless your heart" or "with all do respect"  for the following paragraphs.


It was pretty much a backhanded compliment that was relayed to me, about me, in a loud, degrading tone. And while it wasn't any words that begin with A, B or C, it was a like a linguistic slap across the face.It wasn't an attention getter or a big draw of a crowd. It was just the two of us, at a table.  I am seldom shocked anymore, which I blame completely on reality TV, but this, this shocked me. It was definitely one of those times where I was left thinking of 100 million things to say, but chose to remain silent. Which was most definitely in my best interest. That sounds a little more Jersey Shore than I am proud of, but I was proud of myself for letting it go. Because I am NOT good at letting things go.


But it was one of those interactions where later, as I reenacted the whole scene again and again for JD with the precision of Maya Rudolph, I got so worked-up. Hard to imagine, given I am so calm, but stretch your imagination. I was so angry and hurt, I just kept saying things like "Can you believe that?" and "I just stood there and took it. Who does that?" I did, apparently. 


For all the sharp-tongue barbs I can throw about celebrities, or as catty as I can be about stage moms or general morons in society, I really would, in all sincerity, rather die than hurt someones feelings. As daring as I may seem at times and with the electronic courage I have from this blog, I wouldn't have the audacity to  say something like that to someone. For reasons which are many; I am afraid of being punched in or around the face, I cannot outrun anyone and I am not followed by reality TV cameras and writers. Oh, I also hate confrontation. 


Waking-up the next day, it was all I could think about. Why are girls so awful? Why do we say horrible things to and about each other? Is is all based in jealousy or is it because that is truly, the nature of our beast? I ran through the gamut of emotions on the subject; defensiveness, hurt, anger and revenge. Then, I settled on pity. For me and for her. I was still feeling sorry for myself for being accosted, but I was also feeling sorry for her.


Because I let myself belabor this incident, I kept running it over and over again in my mind. JD had tried to console me with phrases like "She was the drunkest person there" or "I can't believe you are letting her bother you like this." It isn't that I am better than anyone else, that is certainly not the case. And the alcohol did play a part, but I am a firm believer that a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts. How long had she wanted to say this to me? Why was this weekend the perfect storm? Were the planets aligned, was this an equinox thing? Did I miss Haley's comet? If it was the alcohol, that gave her the courage to finally say that to me, then maybe it is a positive thing. At least now, I fully know where I stand with this person. Ultimately, that is something I can handle. 


If I know that you dislike my laugh, I will make a conscious effort to dull it around you. If I know that I am too loud for you, I will try my hardest to soften my tone. If it is the sarcasm that you hate, I am happy to leave it at home. As long as I know the rules, I am happy to play. I didn't like the idea that maybe she had been harboring these feelings for a long time. It made me wonder how many times I had been with her before that she was secretly loathing me. 


I took what she said about me and put it away. Today is a new day, and I have vowed to myself to really try with all my might to let it go. I am still stunned, but that is okay. I haven't been stunned in a while, I was due. What I am struggling most with, is that I don't want to be changed because of this. Like in a negative way. I want to keep on being the same girl I always am, the same kind of friend I thought I had been to this girl, and know that it isn't for everyone. Some people will just walk away or separate themselves, the move will clear a lot of this up, and some will get really drunk and tell me exactly what is on their minds. I respect honesty more than almost anything. So I should be focused on the fact that she had the nerve to say exactly what was on her heart. However, I respect it on an even playing field. Either we are both drunk and spewing vile or neither. 





I would say that by Wednesday, I will have found something completely new to obsess over. I borrow most of my own worry, so that isn't an issue. It is just kind of a weird feeling to be an adult and have your feelings hurt. I kind of thought we were done with all of that. 


But for the record, "I know you are, but what am I?" is what I should have said. For starters...