Memories of Motherhood, Year 2

I went back to re-read my journal from the night before Sweet B's first birthday. What a difference a year makes. I had been planning her party for, no lie, 2-months and was probably more sleep deprived than anything when I penned those musings. Or, I only had a single year under my belt. Let's say it is a combination of both just for posterity. As I can now update my resume to include 2-years of Motherhood, here is what I remember, hold dear and have learned. Probably want to get a pen and paper.

1. It is ever evolving. 
Man, is it ever. While I clearly knew that going in, it has shocked me how every day is different. Those days add up to lapsed time that I don't realize is changing us. When Sweet B was an infant, we had lots of downtime and routines. Mainly, because I was scared to death of veering from the carefully crafted plan I had devised for feedings, play, and sleep. Also, if someone else is napping in my house, chances are, I will be too. But it seemed like one day I woke-up from that nap and she was always moving. Now, we are having actual conversations, she can sustain attention to do activities, and sometimes, I can rationalize with her. Sometimes. She is a little adult now. So many times I find myself wondering "How do you know that?" But she is changing every day. Thankfully, I am still young enough to keep up.


It is also changing because just when you think you have it all figured out, BOOM! Hail Mary pass to win the game. You lose. If ever I get confident in my mothering skills, I simply stop, and wait for the other shoe to drop. Sweet B can sense I am getting comfortable...


2. It is a constant contest, whether you know it or not. 
While not a competitive person, I am constantly aware of being judged. I contribute that 100% to my low self-esteem. However, motherhood is a constant competition. A competition you didn't necessarily sign up for or that you pray that there is no swimsuit portion.

It probably started when I was pregnant. "Who is your doctor?"  "Where will you deliver?"  "What kind of stroller system are you getting?:" And my favorite, You aren't finding out, are you crazy?"  Yes. We are. Thank you for asking.

Now, (and I am just as guilty of it) you notice all the "observations. "  I shop at Target, I know what clothes come from there. And chances are, my kid is wearing them too. I am a consumer of children's products, therefore, I too know the cost of things. But when you are out, you notice people looking at your gear and judging you. "Oh, you only love your kid "X Brand" dollars worth." Right.

And thanks to Facebook, you can constantly get caught up in "Why didn't I think of that?" Which, if you haven't played, is a super fun game.  The moms who do impromptu art projects and then post pictures, or the perfect family vacations with the kids who appear to have not had a single meltdown. Oh look, they took their kids to some festival I had no idea about. Their kids will probably get into Harvard now.

Even better is the competitive nature that comes with the scale of Birth to Weight. Meaning, how old is your child and are you still losing baby weight or are you just agreeing to be that fat now? I love the moms wearing their seven jeans out of the hospital. Two-years later, I am still wearing maternity tank tops. Yeah, I am.

But in that, comes the back story that I have learned always exists. You learn that their $1200 stroller system came from Ebay. You learn that right after that perfect beach photo, a jellyfish attracted to smocking, attacked their child. You learn that the festival was more of a block party and they crashed it. You learn that those jeans fit because mom never eats.

I have learned that it is okay to use so much of that as motivation, but not to let it make me crazy. I know it only gets worse as kids get older, but if I can try to get a handle on it now, then I will require less medication later.




3. It only gets better. 
Now that we are looking at the future with Sweet B as a child who doesn't just swing and poop, it is so exciting. I keep thinking of things I cannot wait to experience with her. All the fun stuff that I enjoyed as a child that I cannot wait to show her. My mom was really good about sharing things with us like classic movies,  or little field trips to see fun stuff. I am so excited thinking about getting to share all of that with her. In addition, I have planned about 900 mother/daughter trips for us in the future. This is assuming that she still loves me when she is older. If she is a typical teenager who is too cool for her mom, I will drag her to ALL of this fun and embarrass the hell out of her. That, is a promise.

Again, it is just the 2-years under my belt. This list next year could be VASTLY different.