New York Shitty

Photo: pharmablog.com

Hang on. No, I don't have a headache. Yet.


Okay.


New York, like London, is a city that while I am obsessed with, I have yet to visit. This will not be true in about 2-weeks time as I will be winging my way to NYC for some QT with my Dad and Brother. And as much shopping as those 2 dudes and my bank account will allow.


Not so much the concrete jungle of it, but it is the allure and splendor of NYC that beckons me. I love the social register, the vying for private schools, the hyphenated named infants, the fact that everyone worth their salt still carries a leather bound day planer, and that it is a place where the shift dress does not infer that you just left work or a funeral. Such sophistication!!


I am also obsessed from whence NYC came. The sign of liberty for so many, the establishment of the houses of American captains of industry and definitely the beginning of a social class that was probably last classy during its "Guilded Age." To think of a party held by Cornelia Vanderbilt or to be in the company of Brook Astor is something I think to be truly breathtaking.


But, Mrs. Astor's List is crumpled and gone and we are left with this:

Photo: Bravo TV

Ugh.


It is of note that my favorite housewives franchises are, in order:
1. NYC
2. Beverly Hills
3. Atlanta
4. OC
5. What other cities are there?


But I love my housewives. Monday, I sat through Part 1 of the reunion  after a PAINFUL season.  And let me say, I am in a New York State of Mind F&#^.


I could really break this down frame by frame for you, but frankly, I dont' have access to the bulk of street drugs it would take  to get through that.


Additionally, I would also love to tell you what I took from that episode, but I have no idea. None. I am not sure what they discussed.  What they were constantly screaming about?  I think, at one point, they were yelling at me. And I  I am not sure I was/wasn't there. I do know we talked about the debt ceiling? Definitely. We talked about the debt ceiling. 


Have you ever seen a car wreck? Not after, (eeh, rubberneck, much?) but when it actually happens? I have. I was on the corner of Main and a number street downtown like 300-years-ago when I got out of the house everyday and didn't wear sundresses all the time. It was a T-bone, which you might think would be awesome. It was not. I was very confused, scared, sad, intrigued and nervous. I felt that way during/after watching this reunion.


Clearly, you are not going to let this go without some takeaways. "But Katie, PLEASE share your thoughts with us! Make us laugh! Dance, monkey." I get it. Say no more.


Right, like it wasn't going to be a list:

• Shut-up. All of you. Quit talking over each other and quit screaming. Can Bravo not afford a talking stick? Oh, they had to get Calphalon for "Top Chef Masters?" That seems reasonable. 

• Learn thy name.  If someone says "Jill, what do you think about XXXXXXX that happened this season?" There is no reason for you, Alex, to chime in. You sit quietly thinking of other sissy names for future potential sons. 

• A Countess, huh? I, being the anglophile that I am, am pretty confident they just hand those titles out. And if you are the member of some kind of royal house, I bet they LOVE your career move to do a reality show touting that you are an auto-tuned, 1/2 parent, wine guzzling, might have both sets of plumbing, countess. Kudos, your highness. 

• JP Morgan Chase is a financial nightmare. I blame Sonja. 

• If you have flabbergasted the GAY MAN who not only casts this show, but loves drama, you are too much. 

• The word "Bra" does not have an "r" on the end. It never has, it never will. Period. Does the word elocution mean anything? 

• Especially fun this season was the blondes v. brunettes. Tale as old as time! 

• The Moroccan styled set was a nice touch. Did they go to Morocco this year? Oh, that's right. They did. And,  according to my doctors, that is, in fact, time I will NEVER get back. 

• I am not an addiction specialists. Note that. But, I have 2 eyes, that do not bug out of my head. 

• A 54-year-old woman having a baby is something you hear about in underdeveloped countries or square states. Who is Ramona, Michelle Duggar?

• Kelly Bensimon: Santa called, he said that this year, you are getting a brain! Wait, that was the wizard. Santa called about your tattoo. He can see you at 4 to fix yours. 

• Cindy. Stupid, stupid, Cindy. Quit while you are ahead. Use your time for more constructive things like entering Joan Jett lookalike contests. 

• Sonja, NYC is the shopping capital of the world. They sell underwear and back fat disguising bras. In fact, hit up Soma. They hid mine. 

• Andy Cohen.  I love you. I love you to death. Every year when I blow out the candles on my birthday cake, my wish is for you, me and Anderson Cooper to go on a spa vacation together. But honestly, know when to hold 'em and know when to fold your pocket square and put it in your mouth like you are at some new gay bar.  You start trouble, you mean girl.  Normally, I applaud the gays for their ability to create excitement, but this is a lot. I am going to send you my audiology bills. Get your house in order. 

Just remember, there were those who came before you and laid a hefty foundation. They, were the epitome of  class, substance and grace. They would have NEVER exploited their family (or married name) on a TV show.  I understand you are business women, singers, toaster oven chefs, waxing specialists, TJ Maxx buyers, JC Penny catalog models and part-time drag queens. Maybe keep your day jobs. 

Photo: Astor Family Archives

I shan't be fooled by your ridiculous portrayal of this city I fully intend to fall in love with in a fortnight's time. And yes, I will watch Part 2 of the reunion and all subsequent seasons. One must devote much time to their charity work, darlings.