Lucky Dog

Guess who is 11 today?

Which is excellent news for all living things at the Sanderson Resort and Spa. I can be trusted!

Sweet, sweet Hettie. At 11/77,  she has really lived an already interesting life. 

Hettie's siblings arrived at the Chi Omega house on a Wednesday night before our weekly meeting. By the time I decided getting a dog was the best idea I had ever had, they were all spoken for. Devastated, I was told by my sorority sister whose dog had the puppies, there were 2 more. 

My dear friend Jessica and I agreed we would take the remaining two dogs. She was going to give hers as a gift and I was going to keep mine and raise it to be a movie star. 

Jessica was leaving town for the weekend, so I arranged to pick-up both dogs and hold hers until her return. That way, I got to pick which one I wanted, too. I seldom do anything without a motive. 

It is always a good idea to take 2 puppies to your rented apartment. Especially, when you have 0 dog care experience.  When I called my parents to tell them the good news, I believe their direct quote was "This is possibly the dumbest thing you have ever done. You need a dog like you need a purse." To spite them, later that day, I bought a purse. 

Over the course of that weekend, Hettie quickly emerged as the dog that would be staying. She sang, she danced, she did a monologue from Gone With the Wind...

From that day on, we have been inseparable. 

She has cheated death 3 times. The first, when she ran into the busy road in front of my Grandparent's house. Lucky for her, I have excellent traffic management skills. 

The second time, she was staying with my cousin, when she ran away. Thankfully, the search party found her and she was rescued. You can probably find the press conference on YouTube. 

The last time, was the worst. 

After leaving class one morning, I returned to my car to find 18 missed calls on my cell phone. Quickly realizing that I would no way give my phone number to 18 people, this was clearly an emergency. In listening to the voicemails, all I could understand was "Hettie" and "Shivley Animal Clinic."

After getting out of the shower, my roommate saw a trail of blood. She followed it to Hettie. When she got her to allow inspection, it was clear Hettie had eaten a razor blade.  Fun fact: that roommate is now in medicine at Vandy. I think she would thank Hettie for some early training? 

Thankfully, when I got home, I found the blade. Hettie, would live. 

Since then,  she has dedicated her time to living life to the fullest. She will be living in her 4th house when we move. She was here before JD, Farley and Sweet B. In that order. Which she reminds me of, constantly. 

She is part of the family. She is the reason that Sweet B's first word was dog. I blame Hettie for all the hours I spent listening to Sweet B in the monitor yelling "Hettie.... Hettie." Poor Hettie. She fell for that trick more than she would like to admit. 

She hates thunderstorms like poison. But lucky for us, we know before any of the TV meterologists that weather is afoot.  While she does not hold an actual "degree," Hettie's ability to accurately predict the weather is second to none. 

She has always let us do silly things to her, never asking for anything in return. Although, I have recently found her diary with these pictures and a letter to PETA. 

She is an excellent snoop. We rely on her to inspect all guests here at the Sanderson Resort and Spa. She sniffs for drugs, cancer and gum. Your gum is NEVER safe. 

In her older years, she has taken more of a relaxed role. She also claimed this land for Spain. 

She used to get a walk everyday. In years past, she got a ride in the car at least 3x a week. Now, she is lucky if I remember to feed her. 

But she isn't mad. She has adjusted to all the changes and continues to win crowds over to this day. Also, she knows that wherever Sweet B is, a snack and a nap are sure to follow. 

Sweet, sweet Hettie. When I think of her life, I am reminded of those like her; Shirley Temple Black, Nancy Reagan and more recently, Betty Ford.  Like them, she has had a fantastic and full life supporting her family and winning over fans. Also,  she might have a small and contained drinking problem. 

Happy Birthday, to the greatest dog in the world!!  The most Regal of Beagle. We should have stopped at you. God knows lightening didn't strike twice. 

Don't let that look fool you. He is a child.

Why the Face?

About every 2-4 weeks, my brother "infects" me with some new website. Usually just as I have gotten control of my addiction to the last. He is the Julian Assange of Internet hilarity. 


So, this week, I got this.


And now I can fully understand the genius that is Phil Dunphy. 

I am serious when I say that you need to set aside time for viewing this site. I laughed, I cried, I donated to AARP. . I am not 100% sure my Mom is not single-handedly running this website. This is better than most things on the Internet. 


Now listen; I fat finger a text daily. I am constantly texting JD that I "live" him.  But this is gold. Technology is hard. 


Even more ironic, my brother never fails, every time we are together, to bring up something technological to which I reply "What the hell are you talking about? Are you having a stroke?" He has so much to teach me, his older sister. Cue Circle of Life...


Just so you know:


1. If Sweet B were older and we could text, I would DEFINITELY text her the one called "Right Now" about every hour. 


2. "Haterade" is a close second favorite. 


While he will get no writing credits, I will continue to infect you with the insanity that my brother provides. Might want to get a hazmat suit. It took me 6-months to let go of one of the sites he sent me. That isn't a lie, but I wish it was. 


I love that kid so much. 

New York Shitty

Photo: pharmablog.com

Hang on. No, I don't have a headache. Yet.


Okay.


New York, like London, is a city that while I am obsessed with, I have yet to visit. This will not be true in about 2-weeks time as I will be winging my way to NYC for some QT with my Dad and Brother. And as much shopping as those 2 dudes and my bank account will allow.


Not so much the concrete jungle of it, but it is the allure and splendor of NYC that beckons me. I love the social register, the vying for private schools, the hyphenated named infants, the fact that everyone worth their salt still carries a leather bound day planer, and that it is a place where the shift dress does not infer that you just left work or a funeral. Such sophistication!!


I am also obsessed from whence NYC came. The sign of liberty for so many, the establishment of the houses of American captains of industry and definitely the beginning of a social class that was probably last classy during its "Guilded Age." To think of a party held by Cornelia Vanderbilt or to be in the company of Brook Astor is something I think to be truly breathtaking.


But, Mrs. Astor's List is crumpled and gone and we are left with this:

Photo: Bravo TV

Ugh.


It is of note that my favorite housewives franchises are, in order:
1. NYC
2. Beverly Hills
3. Atlanta
4. OC
5. What other cities are there?


But I love my housewives. Monday, I sat through Part 1 of the reunion  after a PAINFUL season.  And let me say, I am in a New York State of Mind F&#^.


I could really break this down frame by frame for you, but frankly, I dont' have access to the bulk of street drugs it would take  to get through that.


Additionally, I would also love to tell you what I took from that episode, but I have no idea. None. I am not sure what they discussed.  What they were constantly screaming about?  I think, at one point, they were yelling at me. And I  I am not sure I was/wasn't there. I do know we talked about the debt ceiling? Definitely. We talked about the debt ceiling. 


Have you ever seen a car wreck? Not after, (eeh, rubberneck, much?) but when it actually happens? I have. I was on the corner of Main and a number street downtown like 300-years-ago when I got out of the house everyday and didn't wear sundresses all the time. It was a T-bone, which you might think would be awesome. It was not. I was very confused, scared, sad, intrigued and nervous. I felt that way during/after watching this reunion.


Clearly, you are not going to let this go without some takeaways. "But Katie, PLEASE share your thoughts with us! Make us laugh! Dance, monkey." I get it. Say no more.


Right, like it wasn't going to be a list:

• Shut-up. All of you. Quit talking over each other and quit screaming. Can Bravo not afford a talking stick? Oh, they had to get Calphalon for "Top Chef Masters?" That seems reasonable. 

• Learn thy name.  If someone says "Jill, what do you think about XXXXXXX that happened this season?" There is no reason for you, Alex, to chime in. You sit quietly thinking of other sissy names for future potential sons. 

• A Countess, huh? I, being the anglophile that I am, am pretty confident they just hand those titles out. And if you are the member of some kind of royal house, I bet they LOVE your career move to do a reality show touting that you are an auto-tuned, 1/2 parent, wine guzzling, might have both sets of plumbing, countess. Kudos, your highness. 

• JP Morgan Chase is a financial nightmare. I blame Sonja. 

• If you have flabbergasted the GAY MAN who not only casts this show, but loves drama, you are too much. 

• The word "Bra" does not have an "r" on the end. It never has, it never will. Period. Does the word elocution mean anything? 

• Especially fun this season was the blondes v. brunettes. Tale as old as time! 

• The Moroccan styled set was a nice touch. Did they go to Morocco this year? Oh, that's right. They did. And,  according to my doctors, that is, in fact, time I will NEVER get back. 

• I am not an addiction specialists. Note that. But, I have 2 eyes, that do not bug out of my head. 

• A 54-year-old woman having a baby is something you hear about in underdeveloped countries or square states. Who is Ramona, Michelle Duggar?

• Kelly Bensimon: Santa called, he said that this year, you are getting a brain! Wait, that was the wizard. Santa called about your tattoo. He can see you at 4 to fix yours. 

• Cindy. Stupid, stupid, Cindy. Quit while you are ahead. Use your time for more constructive things like entering Joan Jett lookalike contests. 

• Sonja, NYC is the shopping capital of the world. They sell underwear and back fat disguising bras. In fact, hit up Soma. They hid mine. 

• Andy Cohen.  I love you. I love you to death. Every year when I blow out the candles on my birthday cake, my wish is for you, me and Anderson Cooper to go on a spa vacation together. But honestly, know when to hold 'em and know when to fold your pocket square and put it in your mouth like you are at some new gay bar.  You start trouble, you mean girl.  Normally, I applaud the gays for their ability to create excitement, but this is a lot. I am going to send you my audiology bills. Get your house in order. 

Just remember, there were those who came before you and laid a hefty foundation. They, were the epitome of  class, substance and grace. They would have NEVER exploited their family (or married name) on a TV show.  I understand you are business women, singers, toaster oven chefs, waxing specialists, TJ Maxx buyers, JC Penny catalog models and part-time drag queens. Maybe keep your day jobs. 

Photo: Astor Family Archives

I shan't be fooled by your ridiculous portrayal of this city I fully intend to fall in love with in a fortnight's time. And yes, I will watch Part 2 of the reunion and all subsequent seasons. One must devote much time to their charity work, darlings.

Bottle Shock and Awe

Photo: Pinterest

Welcome to Sauvignon Blanc Stare!

You see those bags? Those are packed with creativity. Websites, pop culture, thoughts on EVERY Housewives franchise, products (so many thoughts on products), clothes, rants about a million things I find disturbing and really, who knows what else. I checked lugged, I have put stuff in the overhead, I Fed Exed packages of creativity to my fingertips and sent old chests in stowage via steamer ship! 

This blog is going to be a lot of things to me. An outlet, a sounding board, a pulpit, a single camera TV show, a Sirius channel, a column in a magazine, and a megaphone. I will be paid for NONE of these things. But, I will have the creative satisfaction that comes from feeling like I can really unleash what I have to offer. I feel free! 

• This feels like taking out my contacts at 5 o'clock. 
• This is as comfortable as peeling off my Spanx after a hard day of drinking. Or before the heat index was 116. 
• This feels as good as my legs right after I shaved them and before I get the goosebumps and it looks like all my efforts were in vain. 
• This feels as fresh as my hair the day I get it cut and colored. 
• This is as self-esteem boosting as new make-up. 
• This feels like jeans that fit again. 
• This feels like the first day on a new prescription. 
• It feels like the first sip of sauvignon blanc.  

So much creative space! So many things to share with you all! So few rules; in fact, I make the rules!! I can say anything I want. I don't even know if the Internet is ready for this!!!

Che Guevera, sweet liberation!!!!!!

And I will be 100% sure to let you all know when all that liberating creativity hits. 

In the meantime, I am afraid this has happened:

Photo: Pinterest